This turned out to be one of those tasks that just didn’t get done until it felt right to do. For months and months after Liam died, there was no true desire or strength to try to pick out and design a headstone. We had met with someone fairly early on, but ultimately didn’t act on anything until late last year. There did actually come a time that we both just nodded our heads and decided to get it done; and that organic arrival made the deed of picking and designing something like a headstone a lot more palatable. And trust me, it’s barely palatable.

We set off on the design idea that it needed to be something simple, meaningful, and appropriate. Prior to this experience, neither of us had any idea about the vastness of different possibilities that are there for the taking – and the selections are rather intimidating. One of the barriers that we ran into was that Liam was so young, meaning that he hadn’t developed favorite anythings that we could highlight. There is every possible TV character, cartoon, sport, etc to choose from, but none of that was part of his life. So we had to think through our time with him, and we arrived at a design that we thought fit the bill of simple, meaningful, and appropriate.

We worked with a local (Denver) place to secure the stone, complete the design work, and have it made and temporarily installed by the year anniversary of when he died (Temporary because the ground is too frozen to properly install it. They will come back in a month or two when the ground thaws out some and permanently set it in place). And you know what? It feels good to have it there. We were a little surprised by feeling ‘good’ to have the headstone in place, but it was needed. Prior to the headstone arriving, any gravesite just gets something that actually can be described as a marker; so having the headstone installed lends a certain indescribable comfort.

The stone itself has a beveled top, is about two feet long, and about a foot-ish high at it’s highest point. It sits on a foundation that is a few inches larger all the way around, providing a place for people to leave things when they visit. The top features an Aspen tree on the left side (anyone that knows Ahna and I understands the meaning and importance to us), and stars surrounding his name (taken from The Little Prince, a book that we read to him while in the hospital). You’ll see his name, and life entering and departing dates; and at the bottom are the words “in our hearts.”

So if your in the area, stop by – his spot is a lot easier to find now. Leave something: a rock, a toy, a photo, anything you like. Visitors are good, and it’s good to visit.

In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It’s been very strange to be a year later. To be living life without Liam, and to be thinking about each day what was happening for him a year ago. One time I flipped back into the blog and read the entry from 365 days prior, but it didn’t do me much good other than induce a good belly cry. There would be days that Ahna and I would look at each other and think about being in the hospital last year. We would think about holding Liam, spending time with him, and worrying about him. We would think about the things that the doctors told us…..and we would forget those things because it is very hard, we are finding, to remember all of the internal struggles that Liam had. He looked like such a perfect kid from the outside, and it continues to be hard to remember – on a daily basis – all that was happening inside of him.

We cried a lot over the past week. There were many times that life just didn’t seem to make much sense. Times that it was a lot easier, and perhaps necessary, to slip into a place of depressing sadness. It didn’t just come on the anniversary day; indeed it came most intensely throughout the week. Liam died on February 18, but it was the Thursday night into Friday morning when we last spent time with him…and all of those time periods rose sharply with emotion. Several times each of us were sick to our stomachs.

We also thought a lot about the Doctors and Nurses at Children’s that cared for Liam. They spent two months of their lives with us, just as we did with them, and because of that we remember what amazing things they did for Liam and for Ahna and I. We also recognize that as their time with us ended, their time with someone else began – and they do that over and over and over. How they are such strong, caring, amazing people…I will never understand.

Last year at this time, we couldn’t have predicted how hard this would be. There are many mornings that I wake up and I don’t feel good about what has happened. I wish I could tell you that an overwhelming peace has settled in, but it hasn’t. Sometime last spring I wrote about how despite your intents, life just props you up. Still true.

A year later we have some things to celebrate, including good things at my work, good things at Ahna’s work, and a most amazing Ezra.

But it would be so much better with Liam to share it with.

For dinners and gatherings surrounding the holidays, we would set out (or bring with) the star shaped candle holder and light it – especially during the meal time. It was a nice way to recognize Liam, and it was a way that we could do that while having something that is obvious and present, but not cumbersome. As the holidays came and went, we really felt that this was becoming a well intentioned and impactful part of our lives. For any of us, if we just want to feel like Liam is around, we can light the candle. If we just want to stop and think for a minute, we can light the candle. Needless to say, the candle burns a lot.

We know that ‘he is always with us’ – whatever that exactly means – but there is just something about a star…and a bright burning light…

Competition to land on this year’s list was fierce, although three simple rules had to be obeyed. Rule #0 (because it applies every year): fit on a traditional CD. Rule #1 (becoming widely applied to all aspects of life): Don’t suck. Rule #2 (and most important): Sound great at a really high volume level. These rules combined to create an interesting array of music from all across the genre universe. Some of the music is a little more poppy and popular than in previous lists, and some of the music surprised me at it’s inclusion. Narrowing down the field was a treat filled with happily disturbing both the world around me and my ear drums while doing errands. The result of what I am calling a ‘confused listening style’ is music that sounds great outside of the perfect speaker set-up, and leaves you anxiously running through the store singing out load while rushing to get back to the car. Also, because why not go overboard with this, an award list is below the songs.

Some folks will be fortunate enough to get this from me on CD….as for everyone else….got your illegal music download service ready? 497 pared down to 20:

1. When You Were Mine (Prince cover) by John Heart Jackie
2. L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. by Noah & The Whale
3. Exhaustible by DeVotchKa
4. Always Gold by Radical Face
5. Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine
6. Sophia by Laura Marling
7. The Loneliness And The Scream by Frightened Rabbit
8. Sail by AWOLNATION
9. Uprising by Muse
10. Truth by Alexander
11. A Brief Introduction On Dubstep Production by Dubba Jonny
12. Around Us by Jonsi
13. Slow by Rumer
14. Someone Like You by Adele
15. From Finner by Of Monsters And Men
16. There There by Evaline
17. Your Surrender by Neon Trees
18. My Body by Young The Giant
19. Hit ‘Em Up Style by Carolina Chocolate Drops
20. Old Mythologies by The Barr Brothers

My Favorite: The Loneliness And The Scream
The One Despite All Efforts I Couldn’t Keep Off: Someone Like You
Biggest Surprise: Dubstep
Stolen From A Kid’s Movie: Around Us
Really Crank This One…No, Louder Than That: Uprising
Band Not Making The List For The First Time In A Few Years: Mumford and Sons
Bands Continuing Their Run: Laura Marling
This Year’s Local Act (although not someone that I know personally): DeVotchKa
Last Song Dropped From The Playlist: Holdin’ On To Black Metal by My Morning Jacket

Previous Year’s Best Of Lists:

Best of 2010

Best of 2009

Best of 2008

[ed note: I have also added it to the original post about the trip, so you don't need to watch it twice if your now just catching up on the blog.] [PS - if that's the case....where have you been?]

Another contributing factor to a less-than-stellar season was my work schedule: at work for the Thurs/Fri of Thanksgiving, for 4 of the days of Hanukkah, for the 23/25 of Christmas, and for New Year’s Eve. It certainly was my turn to be at work, and without the seniority to get it off, I had no problem being there….not complaining about that. It just makes it really difficult to celebrate with a family that operates within the schedule of the rest of society. Take an already off year, and compound it with a lot of ‘celebrating at the firehouse’ and things become even more subdued.

We did have some highlights of the season, and foremost was the inclusion of family. Without the ability to travel at all during that time period due to work, we were fortunate to have family come to us. Dave and Mary Jo spent the Christmas week here in Colorado, and we had the pleasure of spending 10 days with some of my family from Israel who were here on vacation (even got a day skiing in with them). The best thing about having family here was certainly the distraction that they provided, the need to focus on something else some of the time.

Despite everything, we were able to celebrate Thanksgiving together (a day early, and again at the firehouse), we did get to spend Christmas morning together (thanks Scott for holding over for a couple hours), we were able to light a few nights of the candles (thankfully that holiday is designed to last eight nights), and New Year’s was spent….well, who cares, it was New Year’s (2011 did have some good moments, but by and large, I hope that it has a wonderful existence in the past – never to be relived again).

A resolution for the new year? Not normally into those. Any day seems like a good day for a change…but here is one that I can think of: cry just a little less and smile just a little more. This year already hasn’t started off with a lot of reasons to believe that this will be easy, but one can always hope, right? That said, here is some help in that goal: pictures of Ezra almost always make me smile (you will notice the spot on the tree that Ezra decorated – everything facing the wrong way, as well as the different take on the Christmas tree photo – swirly).