Just Below The Surface

I’m not sure that there is any way to ever get around the fact that it’s just always there. It doesn’t take much encouragement to get it to bubble over and become evident to all; and it doesn’t always have a timeline as to how long it wants to stay above everything else. What is it? It’s the sadness, the sickness, the stomach turning, the emptiness, the questions, the lost hopes, and the wanted expectations.

As Ahna and I both conclude our first full and complete weeks back to work, I think that we can both attest to the idea that even over the course of just a few days, being there has gotten a little easier – whatever that means. Easier isn’t the right word to describe it, but there really isn’t another word that works as well. As the days go by at work, it’s a lot like loosing that sense of newness when you get that long awaited thing: it just becomes the normal instead of something that you are trying to figure out. But it’s always just below the surface.

Recently I was at work and sat through a lecture on thoracic anatomy and physiology and found myself struggling as I thought about Liam. There wasn’t any direct correlation, but as we are both discovering, it really doesn’t take a direct connection. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t take a connection at all….it just happens.  We walk around kind of propped up by life, but weighed down by experience and ready to burst at the seams at any random time and place. Containing it is a necessary evil at times, but we have been able to find the ability to express in each other our feelings when we need to the most. But it’s always just below the surface.


  1. Unfortunately pain and memories have their own timetable. Know that the bubbling up and holding on till you can let it go is part of a process that will continue to become more routine. You are greatly and deeply loved as you continue to journey down this path.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Beautifully, and heartbreakingly, stated. Always thinking of you and sending our love, prayers, and peace.

  3. I have been thinking about you three. I’m glad you survived your first full weeks. Here’s to the second – may it be even more forgiving to your spirit! loveyoumeanit!

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