Time Travel, But Not Touch Travel

You can mention a word, even one that seemingly would have nothing to do with Liam’s life, and I can be instantly transported back to a specific moment, a specific place, a specific interaction, a specific feeling. You wanna talk pulse oximetry? Bam, right back to room 55. You wanna talk humidity? Bam, right back to the shared showers. You wanna talk photography? Bam, right back to looking at Liam through the camera’s lens.

The emotion that comes with that trip back in time is still so raw and unyielding, that it becomes all-consuming at times. If I were to close my eyes, it would be just like we were sitting in the room. And despite the vividness of those experiences, the one thing that doesn’t happen? Remembering what it was like to hold Liam. It’s depressing, confusing, and saddening to think that as each day goes by, it becomes harder and harder to feel that feeling. I wish that there was a way to understand why that was, but I don’t think that we can know that kind of answer.

While sitting in the hospital room, I remember reading something that was given to us. It was about a similar situation to the one that we were in, and the parent wrote: ‘It doesn’t matter how much you hold him, it will never be enough.’ What I failed to understand about that statement was that no matter how much I held him, that would be the hardest thing to feel again.

Comments

  1. Sandi Hernandez says:

    So true.

  2. Oren, Ahna and Ezra,
    There is no way that anyone, other than yourselves, can describe or go through what the three of you did for 2 1/2 months, 24/7!! It is still so fresh in your minds that, in some respects, you may still feel it. Maybe a suggestion from an old man…….occasionally, just sit back, take a deep breath, and remember the thoughts and prayers of hundreds and hundreds of relatives, friends and co-workers who were and still are, supporting you.

    Last Saturday, August 27th was one of those days for me. In reading the devotions that evening, I came upon verse 8 of the 26th Psalm, which I had circled. In pencil, I had written the name “Eugene” and the date 8-25-2005. Thinking back again, I remembered brother, James, and the date 8-23-2009. By coincidence, 8-27-2011, brother, Ray, would have been 93 years old. Three beloved brothers, integral parts of my life for years, are now memories.

    We are to “bear one anothers’ burdens” ; we continue to do so with your family.

    Love,

    Dave

  3. Thinking of you and praying for you still. We miss Ezra!!

  4. No good words, just love and heartache for you.

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