You know, sometimes it is as hard as it is supposed to be. Yesterday, for the first concerted time, we began the process of getting the girl’s room ready. For the past several months, the idea of getting the room cleaned up and prepared for her arrival didn’t appeal to us in the least. First, there was the physical stuff that has been kept in there since Liam – the cards, the clothes, the blankets, the animals, etc. Then there is the idea that we are moving him out to get ready for someone else…and that is the really difficult thing.
Throughout this pregnancy, and still very much today, we are coping with the feelings that we are somehow replacing Liam. That by having this baby, we are moving on and past him. We know that as we immerse ourselves into Ezra and this girl’s life, that we will sometimes find ourselves not thinking about Liam as much – and that scares the crap out of us. Realizing the realities of all of those fears is no more up front and center than moving Liam’s stuff from the room that was supposed to be his in order to make it available for his little sister. Granted, he never spent a second physically in the room; but from the very beginning, it was supposed to be his space, and it has housed nearly everything that was his since we came home from the hospital. Simply moving a box of cards from that room into the guest room triggered a wave of emotion and a river of tears.
If you walk around our house, it probably doesn’t look like a house that’s ready to receive a baby. I suppose that part of that is due to the fact that we are still about a month away from an expected arrival, but the larger part of that is the pure hesitation to actually do anything. Trust me when I tell you that taking everything down, packing it all way, and storing it in the basement is one of the hardest things that you would ever have to face….and I’m not sure that either of us are up for that experience again. Because of that, we keep telling ourselves that all we need are a few diapers and the car seat; and the rest of the stuff we can get ready when we get home with the girl. Even though that is a simple truth, I was really happy and pleasantly surprised to see a part of both of us rise up over the weekend and feel a desire to do some work on her room. We took full advantage of being in a mutually shared space, and we cleaned and sorted clothes and we straightened up the room. It was really difficult and it felt sort of nice at the same time.
Neither of us expect that this will feel natural or come easily. But we are hoping and working on trying to find a good place to enjoy this moment, while at the same time not ignoring or burying the past. Here’s to the next time that it feels right.