These past couple of months have been difficult, and with that sadness and disbelief came a basic non-need to write anything down. I kind of regret that at this point, but the truth of the matter is that I would have just written post after post about how much it sucks. And I’m not sure that you need to read that, and I’m certainly unsure if I need to document that.
It’s been very strange to be a year later. To be living life without Liam, and to be thinking about each day what was happening for him a year ago. One time I flipped back into the blog and read the entry from 365 days prior, but it didn’t do me much good other than induce a good belly cry. There would be days that Ahna and I would look at each other and think about being in the hospital last year. We would think about holding Liam, spending time with him, and worrying about him. We would think about the things that the doctors told us…..and we would forget those things because it is very hard, we are finding, to remember all of the internal struggles that Liam had. He looked like such a perfect kid from the outside, and it continues to be hard to remember – on a daily basis – all that was happening inside of him.
We cried a lot over the past week. There were many times that life just didn’t seem to make much sense. Times that it was a lot easier, and perhaps necessary, to slip into a place of depressing sadness. It didn’t just come on the anniversary day; indeed it came most intensely throughout the week. Liam died on February 18, but it was the Thursday night into Friday morning when we last spent time with him…and all of those time periods rose sharply with emotion. Several times each of us were sick to our stomachs.
We also thought a lot about the Doctors and Nurses at Children’s that cared for Liam. They spent two months of their lives with us, just as we did with them, and because of that we remember what amazing things they did for Liam and for Ahna and I. We also recognize that as their time with us ended, their time with someone else began – and they do that over and over and over. How they are such strong, caring, amazing people…I will never understand.
Last year at this time, we couldn’t have predicted how hard this would be. There are many mornings that I wake up and I don’t feel good about what has happened. I wish I could tell you that an overwhelming peace has settled in, but it hasn’t. Sometime last spring I wrote about how despite your intents, life just props you up. Still true.
A year later we have some things to celebrate, including good things at my work, good things at Ahna’s work, and a most amazing Ezra.
But it would be so much better with Liam to share it with.