One Month Emptier

Ezra and I were spending some time this afternoon looking at the book of photos of Liam, and as we reached the end of the book, Ezra said “I want to go to the hospital to see Liam.” All I could reply was “me too pal, me too.”

It’s been a month since Liam died and it feels like each day we miss him more and more. At this moment, the idea that time will heel feels as distant as the far reaches of the known universe. We know from previous experience, that time doesn’t really heel…it just allows you to focus more and more on the life that you are living, not the one that you are missing.

It’s so hard to not immediately go back to the Friday morning in the hospital one month ago. In every aspect of the emotional thought pattern, it feels like it was yesterday. Words and conversation with the doctors from that morning haunt us all the time; and there isn’t an hour that goes by that we don’t wonder what life would have been like if Liam were still with us.

After dinner this evening, we went over to his grave site and spent a little time where we left flowers. It was really windy and the temperature felt very cold so we only stayed for a short while before coming back home. I wish that there was some cool, philosophical proverb that would fit this situation perfectly, but there isn’t. Instead we write what we told Liam this evening:

We miss you and we love you.


  1. Marilyn Gnewikow says:

    I think of you all so often. Yes I’m sure it seems like yesterday that you lost little Liam, and other times I’m sure it seems like a long time ago. No it won’t get easier for awhile but it will come. No you will NEVER forget that precious little one, and he will always be with you in your heart and thoughts and every day living. Ezra will not forget him either, as he has the photos and memories of kissing him and holding him at the hospital and Mommy and Daddy to talk to about him. Yes I’m sure he wonders why he can’t just go to the hospital and see him again. That’s a tough one . I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. I feel like I know you all so well, having followed your journey. Love and god speed to you all.
    Marilyn Gnewikow

  2. Anonymous says:

    We miss him too. And we miss you guys. Love from the Smith family sent to you all the way from Cancun.

  3. Dear Ones, So many memories, questions and confusions. Know you continue to be in my prayers and thoughts. Doug, Osel and I went to a Spiritual gathering at the Sanctuary in Castle Rock on Sunday. It is a beautifully tender and ecumenical site. I put your names on the the wishing trees at the top of the hill. The pieces of cloth blow in the wind sending prayers for your confusions, tenderness and life. Hold tight and continue to know you are all loved.

  4. Thinking of you guys – {{hugs}} – you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

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