A Week In The Woods, Er…Cabin

Back to the cabin in Grand Lake for a great week of relaxing mountain life. This time….no moose, just lots and lots of heat. By the way, I just don’t get why public buildings constructed post-1980 don’t have air conditioning. I understand if you don’t want it in the house, and I also appreciate that most of the time it’s probably not needed…but AC is one of those things that when it is required, it’s really necessary….and when the library doesn’t have it, it’s a sad, smelly, sweaty mess. We spent the time up there at the exact same time that the wildfires were blowing up all over Colorado, so we were thankful to be reminded of what beauty exists in the state (without fire) and to be able to enjoy some clean air. Hiking was fun, fishing was successful, and time together was worth it all.

A Father/Son Connection That No Father/Son Wants To Have

Ezra and I share something that totally sucks to share: we have both lost our younger brother.

It’s a cold, hard fact that I have known since Liam died, but it’s been – oddly enough – not that obvious to me until yesterday. I suppose it’s most likely because Ezra is so young, or it’s because we just haven’t talked about Jonathan that much with him (that has been somewhat unintentional, but life is hard for him to understand right now without the complication of understanding what happened to Jonathan).

Yesterday was Jonathan’s 33rd birthday. He died prior to turning 21, so every year since then, I make some time and go and buy him a drink. It makes for a somewhat awkward conversation with the waiter/waitress because they don’t want to serve me two drinks right away, but we get through it, and I get him a beer. It sits there untouched while I down mine, and I walk away from the table every time wishing that he were there to finish the drink with me. Sometimes I have done this ritual with friends, and sometimes it’s been with family, but yesterday I wanted to go by myself. So, I gathered my things and told Ezra that I would see him after his nap…and then came the question that I wasn’t prepared for: “Where are you going?”

The question in and of itself sounds innocent and simple enough. But I know Ezra, and he had inquisitiveness to solve. My reply was a lame attempt at a non-full-truth, but he pressed on. Soon enough, we arrived at the part of the conversation that I could see coming for miles: “Who is Jonathan?” “Jonathan is my brother, and today is his birthday, so I am going to go and buy him a drink.” “When are we going to go to his house to have a party?” “Jonathan died a long time ago.” “His heart stopped working too?” “Yup, just like Liam’s.” “Oh, ok.” and even though he was verbally matter of fact about it, during the conversation, his mind was spinning trying to comprehend what he was being told. I can’t tell you how sickened I was to have to tell him this news (although he’s heard it before) when he can now somewhat understand what it means. I was on the edge of tears as I realized that we have this terrible thing in common….and that now he gets it.

At least the beer was good.

The Resiliency Of The Garden

So a few weeks ago a wicked storm rolled through Castle Rock, bringing with it large hail, tons of rain, lightning like we have never seen, tornado warnings, and storm chasers. And it did some work on the house. A few flower pots were destroyed, a storage box was swiss cheesed, gutters were damaged, paint was damaged, the roof will need replacing, and the garden was beat up. The storm came just a short week or two after we planted it, and we thought it was completely destroyed. As it turns out, a couple of the vegetables did not survive, but the vast majority of the plants took the abuse and have come back very, very strong. It was a pleasant surprise when a week after the storm came we started to see new stems and leaves and the vegetables made there way back. Since then, they have continued to grow fast and furious – and they are checked upon quite regularly by Ezra, each time with a grand excitement in his voice about how big they have become. We are starting to see some very early tomatoes, the beginnings of some red peppers, the massive growth of spaghetti squash, and are close to being able to harvest some summer squash…and we are still awaiting the arrival of some other peppers and jalapenos. We are hoping to have some required vegetables-in-the-pan photos within the next few weeks!

A Claw Foot Garden

A couple of years in the thought bank and a few months in the making, we finally have our claw foot tub garden doing it’s thing. With the smaller backyard, the potential for rabbits (many, many of them in our old neighborhood, but not too many here yet), and an aging set of backs (I know we are only mid-30s, but that’s super old, right?), we set out in the design process of the backyard to incorporate an elevated garden set up of some sort. We made the space for it, but idea after idea slipped through the cracks of reality, until we kept coming back to one of the first ones we thought of: get a bath tub.

It turns out that finding a claw foot tub isn’t difficult at all – see Craigslist, rather getting it, moving it, and placing it are the challenging components of the operation. Thankfully there is a Dad with a pick-up truck and a few hours of help close by. The tub was found as a leftover piece of a rental remodel in Littleton, and is straight from 1914 – as stamped on the bottom. We brought it home, set it in place, and filled it with rock, then sand, then the most expensive bags of organic potting soil you can find on this side of the rocky mountains. Oh, top that off with a trip to the garden center to get some summer squash, spaghetti squash, red bell pepper, Japanese cucumber, jalapeno, basil, and zucchini. It’s admitingly a shotgun approach to such a small space to plant, but this is a trial year to see what grows in our backyard tub. Next year might be a little more focused based on the successes of this growing season. Now, we dump water and time into the garden, and somewhere between 60-100 days, we get some goods.

Outside of our hopeful dinner plate returns on the project, we are using it as an opportunity to begin to teach Ezra about gardening, growing, sustainability, and local resource (yea, Japanese versions of vegetables make a hard connection to the local component). His buy in has been simple as he is very interested in what is going to happen…just an opportunity to help plant, to help water, and a set of Go, Diego, Go gardening gloves. His concern and interest are currently measured daily, with the once-a-day inquiry about watering. I think that this is also going to be a good lesson in time and patience, as he is already making connections that 100 days isn’t immediate.

Updates including inception, growth, and use will be posted here…stay tuned.

Fruits

It’s a blog post that I have been both extremely excited and very nervous to write. It’s a blog post that comes with a tremendous amount of mixed emotion. And it’s a blog post that simultaneously brings tears of sadness with tears of happiness.

we are pregnant. WE are pregnant. WE ARE pregnant! WE ARE PREGNANT!

Yup, Ezra and Liam become older brothers! It is news that we have sat on for a while as we sorted through our own emotions before sharing with you; but we are finally at a place that we want to bring to you the thrill of what is next. Before I go any further, know that everything is just fine with the baby.

It would seem that every turn of life brings with it a new experience with grieving, and this one is certainly no different. The wrestling of loss and gain has been a scary battle at times, but a necessary process. Each turn of excitement is tempered with memory, but don’t worry, it’s not dampened…just put into perspective.

This new addition to our family will arrive in October, and we are really looking forward to celebrating the story with you all.

Did I mention…WE ARE PREGNANT!

An Incredible, Insightful Poem

This is a poem written by a beautiful young person that we knew, who recently committed suicide. I understand that there are lots of reasons and influences for someone to take such a drastic measure, but the words in here speak volumes. Please take a minute to read them, hear them, and apply their meaning to your job as a friend/parent/spouse/child. The name of the author has been intentionally left non-complete as to allow for the most amount of privacy possible. Do not copy, publish, or otherwise use this anywhere without getting consent from the family.

Young Taylor, we will apply your insight and advice as best we can to our everyday life, in every role possible. Thank you for sharing.

written by Taylor

Buried alive, captured and suffocated in the folds.
The dark is so loud and practically blinding.
It gets harder everyday knowing the challenges of the day ahead.
The labels that teens stick on to your back.
It’s hard being yourself as it is.
Engulfed in a life of manufactured personalities.
By everyone turning into what they think they should be.
Music blasting to tune out sound.
Absolutely silent when no one’s around.
Even when your head is throbbing.
Working through a long, endless day.
It seems to be your own hand turning up the volume.
This age of 14 can make your head spin.
Even though it’s the age where life really begins.
Heartbreaks, crying, laughing,
maybe like me, go into depression.
Already, I’ve had one too many therapy sessions.
Just listen now, this is a confession.
Drama is unnecessary, it make me livid.
Talking stuff about others.
Don’t even know them, at least not enough.
See, like I said, 14 is tough.

Florida, Spring Break Style

Yea, if you came this far and were expecting something from the clubs of Panama City, Miami, or Key West – that’s a different time in a different life. This spring break story is about a trip to north Florida (aka southern Georgia), a hot and humid place that just happens to have my Grandparent’s living there, the first Firehouse Subs location, and just about nothing else that would make someone want to go there. But, like I mentioned, it does have family and family history – and that far, far outweighs the downsides of the area.

We were fortunate this year to have the time over Ahna’s spring break to head down to Florida to visit with my Grandparents, and to help them celebrate some pretty dang big milestones. My Grandfather (PopPop) turned 90 back in February, and the two of them are celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary this month. They continue to amaze us by living, working, and operating on their own – in their own house, with their own car, and their own woodshop/workshop. I mean, PopPop (with the help of two good friends) installed a backyard fence recently….seriously. The two of them serve as the foundation for our amazing family, and they are a space-sized pillar of both physical and mental strength, as well as great role models for what a successful relationship should look like. Needless to say, we were very happy to be able to celebrate with them.

While there, we tripped to the Museum of Science and History, and to the beach; but we mostly enjoyed each others company and watching the two of them interact with Ezra. Ezra took to them as soon as we walked into their house for the first time – which is always a concern for someone that young after not seeing them for about two years (thank goodness for lots of pictures to reference on the home computer). We had the occasion to host a party at their house with some close friends and family to celebrate their milestones, and seeing everyone together was such a treat for all of us. Dad and I also took a day to head down to the Palatka area and go bass fishing (12 caught).

Outside of the party, perhaps the highlight of the trip was watching Ezra and PopPop build something together in his shop. They cut out, sanded, painted, and signed a wooden airplane that Ezra was able to bring home with us. Of course, the camera wasn’t too far away, but it will be a great memory for them to share for a lifetime. The other highlight for us was watching Ezra play at the beach. We went over to Jacksonville Beach (Atlantic side of the state), and Ezra just played and giggled in the slightly-too-chill water while we all made every attempt to stay mostly dry.

10 Years Of Ahna & Oren

2002: I was fresh off of three weeks at the Olympics in Salt Lake City, 25 years old, and almost three years on the job. I had just bought a new house, was still living with a few other guys, and enjoyed going to Sancho’s for drinks and conversation. Ahna was in her first year with Denver Public Schools with a class she had picked up part of the way through the school year, and was recently completed with an amazing volunteer year with the Urban Servant Corps. She lived with a few other ladies in the Monroe House, and enjoyed going to Sancho’s for drinks and conversation.

2012: We have traveled to Europe, Africa, Mexico, and from west coast to east cost – and almost everywhere in between. We have enjoyed countless amazing live concerts, camping trips, and experiences that opened our eyes. We have witnessed friends meet, grow, get married, and have kids. We have seen the highest of the highs, and been to the lowest of the lows. We have seen life, and we have seen death. We have had two beautiful boys, and moved into an amazing house together.

Jobs have changed, housing has changed, friends have changed, families have changed, politics have changed, perspectives have changed, priorities have changed, we have changed…but ‘we’ have not changed. 10 years ago each of us walked into Sancho’s with some friends expecting a fun night of drinks, music, and happiness. Neither of us had any idea how much life was about to change – or how amazing it could be.

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The Making Of A ShotSki

What is a ShotSki you ask? If you don’t know what one is, chances are pretty good that skiing isn’t a big part of your life….or if it is, you are about to be awakened to the new possibilities for old skis. The concept is pretty darn simple: take one old ski, and turn it into a shot drinking device for four people (usually to be used at a ski hill, but available for the occasional home use event). You will find instructions and corresponding images below (but first, a friend’s completed ski during use a few years ago):

Step 1: Procure old ski from basement, having kept it many years for this singular opportunity. Make sure it’s long enough, generally around 200 cm.
Step 2: Get medieval on it. Remove bindings. Make sure to have some variation on the following tools: many screwdrivers of each type, a chisel, a hammer, a dremel tool, and a hack saw.


Step 3: Clean, and paint (if desired).
Step 4: Use a 1.25″ hole saw and drill out places for the shot glasses to go. Realize after you start each hole that you won’t be able to complete the hole because the ski is skinnier than the drill bit. Be satisfied with just creating targets for the shot glasses to end up.


Step 5: Secure the shot glasses on the ski – I used contact cement….still waiting to see if that will be the final answer.


Step 6: Find the stickers that you have been accumulating for years and do your best to NASCAR up the ski with cool stickers from the past. Adds instant credibility to the ShotSki.


Step 7: Trail run. Enjoy the success!


Editing Ezra

This is about words, and how our family’s realities collide with other non-suspecting people’s conversations.

We’ve spoken about it here before…about how difficult/weird/awkward it can be to talk with people about Liam. Especially people that we don’t know, or ones that we run into on a very casual basis (friendly faces at the gym, barber, etc). Ahna and I have gone from not even mentioning Liam in fear of ruining an otherwise superficial conversation to now being honest and straightforward when someone asks. Why should we hide or not include Liam’s life, even in these simple talks? The paraphrased exchange: do you have any children? yes, two. How old are they? our oldest son is almost four, and our youngest passed away when he was seven weeks old. Oh, I am so sorry. …and now we enter the awkwardness.

But the thing about this is that the question/answer is between two adults. We choose to ask the question because it’s the normal thing that you do. We choose to answer the way that we do because it’s important for us to talk about Liam, and to acknowledge publicly that this is our normal. We are (generally speaking) no longer afraid of where it goes.

Enter Ezra. Since day one, we have been honest, straightforward, and upfront with him about Liam. We have included him in our conversations, in our visits to the cemetery, and in our sadness. We talk about Liam all of the time, and so does Ezra. He understands. But his understanding is constantly evolving. We worried about how Ezra was going to react to Liam’s death, and how he would continue to deal with it over time. We listened and read about how this would be an on-going, never ending dialogue between us, and that he would have different reactions at different times in his growth.

For now, he knows what he knows. Ezra talks about Liam a lot, says hi to him when we pass by the cemetery, and will say that his brother is Liam. Sometimes he makes jokes using Liam’s name, we nervously laugh them off and direct him to a better punch line, but inside we are very happy that Liam is a part of his normal – even in loss. And its this comfort that he exhibits that finds us in bizarre places.

Last week we were in the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office, and Ezra was making nice with a young lady about his age. She started talking about her brother/sister (I can’t remember), and Ezra – plain as day – said “I have a brother. His name is Liam and he died.” The girl didn’t react – it probably went right over her head. The girl’s Mom turned and started to look at Ezra out of uneasiness, and I immediately blurted out “Ezra, that’s true, but we don’t need to tell everyone that.” Then the clarification questions came from the Mom and the surrounding parents, followed by the explanation, followed by the sympathy, followed by the awkwardness.

The part that didn’t sit right with me wasn’t what Ezra did, or what the girl didn’t do, or what the other parents did….it was my reaction. This is Ezra’s life, why should we be suppressing it when he tells other people about it? He didn’t lie, exaggerate, or make anything up – he told the cold, hard truth – in a 3.5 year old, stripped down kind of way. Now, I could certainly understand being a parent and having your child exposed to a topic of life that you weren’t prepared to expose them to yet. I know how that would be concerning, but I’m on the other end of the line on this one. Ezra’s not breaking news to them about guns, violence, sex, politics, hate, love, or money….he’s breaking news about his life. The coping of a 3.5 year old dealing with a loss of his brother – and I think I’m fine with that.

We continue to realize boundaries that have been destroyed for us still stand for others, and Ezra is running head first into walls of them everywhere. We are amazed at how much we learn from him learning. Maybe some parents will be disturbed if they hear Ezra talk about Liam. Maybe some will ignore it, maybe some will open a conversation with their child, and maybe some will understand completely due to their own experience. I don’t know. But at the risk of allowing Ezra to talk about Liam in a positive and productive way, I’ll take the gamble.